step one: acceptance

i went for a run yesterday that turned into a walk. i just couldn't breathe. you see my heart has just been broken. it's the standard cliche but most of you know it's just how it feels. i'd been holding back full breathes for months. it was a difficult relationship, run by a person who's head was full of static and sad. who had medicine that he prescribed himself, that made him sadder. it was full of drama and worry for me. it was also very beautiful...because when he smiled and felt good the whole word lit up,but he was sure it was me who was the light. it was passionate and at times, i'd never felt more loved. but most of the time, i was in some measure of pain. i went for a run yesterday that turned into a walk. I just couldn't breathe. my heart was so heavy. so i let myself walk. then i let my guilt for walking go and i looked at things. i saw a broken robins egg, a nutshell that looked like an owl, and a dead baby bird. i saw wild strawberries, tiny as my pinky nail and bright like blood. i saw a creepy yard filled with stuffed animals perched on ladders and overgrown with vines. i saw two different incidences of single shoes. they did not belong to each other. they never would. they were both useful to another shoe, but not each other. but I belonged out there amongst the world. alone and in pain, and allowing it it to be there. and the whole time i felt my heart dripping down the inside of my ribcage, knowing we don't belong together, at least not right now...his medicine is toxic to me, to him, to my children. but it's hard to let him go. i hear footsteps out front and expect him to come bursting in my door 2 seconds later. i hear a car engine and almost hope he's come to beg for me back. but his silence is a relief...because i don't have a choice to make anymore. it has been made. and there is a peace to that.