step one: acceptance

i went for a run yesterday that turned into a walk. i just couldn't breathe. you see my heart has just been broken. it's the standard cliche but most of you know it's just how it feels. i'd been holding back full breathes for months. it was a difficult relationship, run by a person who's head was full of static and sad. who had medicine that he prescribed himself, that made him sadder. it was full of drama and worry for me. it was also very beautiful...because when he smiled and felt good the whole word lit up,but he was sure it was me who was the light. it was passionate and at times, i'd never felt more loved. but most of the time, i was in some measure of pain. i went for a run yesterday that turned into a walk. I just couldn't breathe. my heart was so heavy. so i let myself walk. then i let my guilt for walking go and i looked at things. i saw a broken robins egg, a nutshell that looked like an owl, and a dead baby bird. i saw wild strawberries, tiny as my pinky nail and bright like blood. i saw a creepy yard filled with stuffed animals perched on ladders and overgrown with vines. i saw two different incidences of single shoes. they did not belong to each other. they never would. they were both useful to another shoe, but not each other. but I belonged out there amongst the world. alone and in pain, and allowing it it to be there. and the whole time i felt my heart dripping down the inside of my ribcage, knowing we don't belong together, at least not right now...his medicine is toxic to me, to him, to my children. but it's hard to let him go. i hear footsteps out front and expect him to come bursting in my door 2 seconds later. i hear a car engine and almost hope he's come to beg for me back. but his silence is a relief...because i don't have a choice to make anymore. it has been made. and there is a peace to that.

oh hey there. i'm here.

It's been two years, one month and three days since my last confession...er, post. since then i have failed many things. BUT, i have succeeded in losing weight and also successfully gaining it back. yay, me! I have successfully moved 7 million times and been thru 2 relationships and some really bad dates, one with a murderer and another with a stalker. so there's that. i've also succeeded in chilling the fuck out. life is damn messy, people. like, really freaking brutal. and also quite lovely and delicate and filled with little things of awesome....it reminds me of those tiny daisies you see in a huge field of weeds. just there and fragile and perfect and so happy. just to be. faces to the sun. i'm really good at that now. like, man....i am real. if nothing else, i am raw, real, me to the core...and dude, it's not always pretty. it's not always strong. it sometimes cries. like, ugly cries. but i am successfully being me. and also, i say dude more. i'm not entirely sure why. i'm a mom. a real messy, chaotic mom. it's a damn miracle if my kids get their homework done. but for real? kindergarten and 2nd grade. i'm sorry, but what the effing eff? like i don't have enough to feel incompetent about, my 2nd grader can't turn his homework in because his totally awesome, real (read tired and forgetful) mom didn't sign off on his homework sheet. where's the love, teach? granted, his poor teacher probably has to rein my dreamer in, like, pretty much all the time. for all the things. she's probably all, come on, lady. do this one thing. and i'm all, come on, lady. give a mom a break. we do what we can. as we can. i am successful in recognizing that. i'm aware this is a rocky resurgence. bear with me. i'll get back in my groove.